The Stand-Up Vampire
by Happycat
Summary: What would you expect to happen when the whole FF7 gang gets back together to see their comrade do his first comedy act?


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I never write like this, so I thought I'd give it a shot. (Be warned, this is a playscript styled fic, incase you don't like those.) 

And also, I never write like the "All the cast of FF7 were sitting around a table..." because it sounds like the author is uneducated, but give me a break. THIS ISN'T MY NORMAL STYLE OF WRITING! :) 

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::: All the cast of FF7 were sitting around a table (Déjavou, ne?) inside a dimly lit comedy club only referred to as K. Tonite's act was the first of a new artist, and everyone had come to tease them. You might say stand-up wasn't their average thing. ::: 

Yuffie : This is gonna be a hoot! I can just imagine.. 

Cid : Yea, "Why did the chicken cross the road?" 

Sephiroth : To shut you up. 

Cid : What was that you punk-ass momma's boy? 

Sephiroth : You heard me. 

Reeve : I am ruling cat of all! Bow to me! Only me! Mwahaha! 

::: Everyone looks over at Reeve with half-amused eyes ::: 

Tifa : So like, Cait Sith... Have you been getting out much? 

Yuffie : Hey, *Cait Sith* I was wondering.. Does hurting you really *hurt* you? 

Reeve : Why lowly peasent child, of course not! I'm a stuffed cat! 

::: Barret reaches across the table and bonks the Shinra employee in the head with his gun-arm. ::: 

Barret : You ain't no stuffed cat! You spikey-headed Shin-RA freak! 

Reeve : Owies. 

Cloud : Barret you are a grouch-o grump. 

::: Everyone nods. ::: 

Aeris : You serve no purpose in this story's plot! 

::: Everyone nods. ::: 

Reeve : You made me say owies in public! 

::: Everyone laughs. ::: 

Sephiroth : Death by stuffed fluff-- I er, mean cat! 

::: Everyone pulls out Cait Sith plushies they bought from Reeve's Cait Sith fanclub on Yahoo! for a buck, which equaled the amount of members in Reeve's fanclub, which included himself of course. ::: 

Barret : Ahh! Ow! Da pain! Da torture! I'm... Having... A... Heart-attack! 

::: Everyone laughs as Barret pretends to fall over dead from a heart-attack. That is until Sephiroth kicked him in the head and they realize he's not faking. ::: 

Cloud : Waiter! We are going to umm.. Need a body bag and some martini's at table eight! 

Club Owner K : Ladies and Gentlemen! I'd love to announce that Chris Rock has graced us with his presence and comic relief, but of course we all know that will never happen! So here he is, mister funny-man himself... VINCENT VALENTINER! 

Hushed whisper from behind the curtain : That err.. Umm... Vincent Valentine! You know.. Like the holiday? 

Club Owner K : Oh right, right. VINCENT VALENTINE'S DAY!! 

Vincent : Nevermind. 

::: The audience does a few half-hearted patting of their hands, and Cid's smokers cough kicks in and he begins to lose a lung right there. ::: 

Aeris : Uhh.. whoo-hoo! Go Vince! Rah....rah..rah. 

Tifa : Rah..rah.. Damn, where's my drink? 

::: Vincent is about to speak when suddenly he notices Reeve is surrounded by his Caith Sith plushies. ::: 

Reeve : No guys. I told you, I'll give you the money on Tuesday! No! DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT! Stop it! Stop it! Oh you weren't looking at me. Ok. 

::: Reeve gives a thumbs up to Vincent to continue, so Vincent takes in a deep breath and begins. ::: 

Vincent : Wow. Talk about Moogles these days. Kupo this and kupo that.. It's Kupo-tastic. And have you heard of Kupo-Puffs? It's freaking green with nastey little acorns. I mean, I'm not food critic, but yuck. 

Cid : Cough!! Cough.. Hack...Oh jeez! Look at that! 'Ey Vince!! Look what I hacked up this time! It's the size of a quarter! 

Vincent : And I mean, I'm not that big on the whole eating concept and all, but man. What is with people and corn beef?! It's red, and smells funny, and it tastes like month-old deli meat! Not that I know, becuase if you haven't caught on, *I'd love to suck your blooood!* 

::: A few people stand up to leave. ::: 

Cloud : Hey Vincent! You're knocking them dead!! 

::: Cloud pulls up the body formaly known as Barret and points at him laughing. Nanaki pokes his head out from under the table where he was napping. ::: 

Nanaki : Cloud, you are one sick puppy. I mean I thought Sephiroth was demented in that whole meteor incident, but jeez. Everyone seemed to look over the fact that.. IT WAS YOUR FAULT! 

Cloud : *Sniffle* .... 

Tifa : Aww.. Poor Cloudy-Wowdy. Don't listen to that mean old dog, it wasn't all your fault. And besides, you're a big boy now. 

Cloud : *Sniffle* Hold me. 

Vincent : And WHAT is the whole point to a mirror? I mean, I'm pretty sure I look okay, and I couldn't use a mirror even if I wanted too! They make you feel bad. Take good old Club Owner K here.. He has this big-ass wart growing out of his face, but if he didn't have a mirror he wouldn't be embarrassed about it and try covering it up with Cover-Girls skin toner. I can't look too bad, so I'm not that worried, am I right? 

::: Everyone in the crowd pulls out a pocket sized mirror and compares themselves to Vincent. They all nod approvingly after ensuring themselves at least they look better than the dorky vampire rambling on stage. ::: 

Reeve : Oh no..!! The only thing I see in my mirror is a cat plushie! HELP, HELP! 

::: Reeve's Caith Sith plushies somehow managed to set themselves all over him, clinging onto his clothing with little plushie paws. ::: 

Reeve : GET AWAY! I said no chocolate until the morning! Why must you follow me! Get away! GET AWAY! AHHhhhh.... Oh? You don't want chocolate? Okay. 

Aeris : Yea, he's not insane. 

Cloud : *Sniffle* Aeris, hold me. 

Tifa : You're going to let go now, right Cloud? 

Cloud : *Grins evily and shakes head no* I need emotional comfort. 

Sephiroth : Pussy. 

Yuffie : Extreme dorkus! 

Nanaki : I'm going to bite someone in a second if you all don't stop kicking me! 

::: Red XIII growls and everyone pulls their legs up and sit indian style in the little wooden chairs. ::: 

Cid : Cough.. Cough! Ugh, this is horrible! Cough! Hey, breakfast. 

::: Everyone screams "NOO!" as Cid picks up what he hacked up and eats it. ::: 

Sephiroth : Dude, that's like regurgitating your food and saving it for lunch and dinner. That's so not cool man. 

Yuffie : He's been flying so long he's turned into a freaking bird! 

Reeve : Plushies..... Plushies....... Watching...... Me....... Always..... Plushies..... 

Aeris : Vincent, you suck. Are you done? 

Vincent : *Sniffle* 

Nanaki : Aww, Aeris you mad him sad! 

::: Nanaki jumps up on the small stage and looks up at the vampire. ::: 

Nanaki : You don't suck that bad. Are you ok? 

Vincent : *Sniffle* Hold me. 

Yuffie : Here we go again! Dorks, all of you! 

Tifa : Turn off the story! Turn it off! 

Aeris : Can you do that? 

Cid : Cough!! Cough! Oh jeez.. Guys look it's--- 

::: The lights turn out and a small Cait Sith plushie appears as if from no where. ::: 

Cait Sith Plushie : All I wanted was to know where the third clue was. We are lookin' for Blue's Clue's... We are lookin' for Blue's Clue's... We are lookin' for Blue's Clue's... Because it's really fun! 

The End. 

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Ok, so that was it. My first and possibly not last attempt at playscript writing. If you liked it, please review this story. I need feedback! Thanks!! 

-Happycat 

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